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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 32 (February 15, 2009) That Guy With The Glasses reads his book and smokes his pipe in front of a corner cabinet adorned with holiday decorations (note: he doesn't address them). Once he notices the camera, he looks up and says... That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Bhavra alray! language; HELP! - ed. Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses. Traditional introduction and piano music. Narrator (always off-screen, his questions appear on-screen unless noted): How is it that there are so many Smurfs if there is only one female? That Guy: (facing screen left with pipe in mouth, he turns to the camera and takes it out) That's a very good question. You see, the female, or the "Smurfette" as she's often referred to, is actually the Queen Smurf. / a jump cut And there's only one female to every five-hundred Smurfs. / But, unlike a colony of ants that treat their queen with the utmost respect, / they just gang-rape the hell out of that bitch. / They strap her down on a table, / the Smurfs form a very long line, / and they do her like a mofo. / And for every time she's raped, a new Smurf is born. / Only they're not small and tiny like you think a baby Smurf would be. / They actually come out full-size. / (chuckles) It is a most unpleasant experience. / One that nobody should ever have to go through. / Now, you might be wondering, "What about those Smurfs that are half-size? Aren't THEY children?" No. They are MIDGETS. / I would use the term "little people;" but the Smurfs are already little, so that'd be redundant. / Now, I know it looks like Smurfette is always laughing and is perfectly content; but she isn't. She's dead inside. / Needless to say, if another female IS born out of those millions and millions of births, heaven help her. / Yes. Narrator: Can I eat your face? That Guy: (chuckles) I've waited for YEARS for someone to ask me that question. No. Narrator: Nicholson or Ledger? That Guy: (takes pipe out of his mouth) Romero. / Because even though Nicholson and Ledger are extremely talented actors and play very crazy people, / there is NOTHING more crazy than painting white make-up over your own mustache. / (points mouthpiece at the camera) It isn't only crazy, it's downright stupid. / (clip of Cesar Romero in the '60s TV show ''Batman ''dressed as The Joker, laughing) / (back to That Guy, whose face turns a bit angry) Shut up. / (cut of Romero looking surprised) Narrator: Would you get aroused if Rosie O'Donnell was actually a woman? That Guy: (chuckle) I get aroused if Rosie O'Donnell was actually a person, / which she ISN'T. / I saw the movie Tarzan. She's an ape. / An ape who like ladies. / And when they make the sex, they give birth to Mexican chihuahuas. / And thus continues the circle of sinning against nature. / Extraordinary. Narrator: Are you gay, a pedophile, or a woman? the question reads "a Gay" That Guy: I'm all three! / I'm a gay, pedophile woman. / I have the hots for little children / but only the ones who are female. / Lots of people are gay, pedophile women. / Like...Michael Jackson, / Carrot Top, / Dustin Diamond (that SURPRISED me), / and, of course, Walt Disney. / But I think we all knew that. / (we see him spinning his pipe on his right index finger by the bowl) Narrator: Where IS Waldo? That Guy: He's other there. (he points off-screen to his left and briefly looks that way) THAT was easy. Narrator: What am I thinking as I watch this video? That Guy: You're thinking, "Yay! My question is finally being answered. / Or is it? / Is THIS technically answering the question?" / I don't care. (after a few seconds, he kisses at the camera) Narrator: Is your mother a MILF? That Guy: Judge for yourself. / (cut to a photoshopped image of a beautiful woman seductively posed with That Guy's face superimposed on it; cut back to That Guy, who nods smiling and later mouths, "Oh yeah!") Narrator: My mom said she has a private area like me. Does that mean she has a penis? That Guy: Yes, she does, as I found out last night. / That's right. I did your mother. / And not only does she have a penis, she also has a boy who was adopted. YOU. / But don't worry. Appearances can OFTEN be deceiving. / For example, Greenland is actually full of ice. / Your pinky isn't actually pink. / And Jesus was a 240-pound Jamaican. / (chuckles) I can tell you I was surprised when I found that out / but not disappointed, / as YOU most likely are, / you adopted bastard. / God bless. Narrator: If you were a super hero, what kind of powers would you have and why? That Guy: Well, many people have wanted supernatural powers. / Some wish they could fly. / Some wish they could shoot lasers out of their eyes. / But for me, my superpower would be telling the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. / Because NOBODY can tell that. / Not even I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Man. / (walks up to the camera) He SAYS he can, but he's a liar. / (normal position) And a gay, pedophile woman. / I just wet myself. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it. (winks at the camera and returns to reading and smoking) Category:Content Category:Guides